No, mate. I think what you meant to ask was, “could you be bothered to teach English?”

To which I would respond – See the last 30 years as above etc. etc. etc.

So, expand your language for your classroom – virtual underwear testing department or not – with the new Oxbridge Dictionary online vocabulary course for English teachers and inspirational snoozers, pipers and uppers.

We reckon that your English will be so bad that you’ll never be able to teach it properly to anyone, far less put your hand in your pocket rather than someone else’s. Which suits us fine because it’s our job to teach it, not yours. And we need to pay for our holidays, while you think you’re about to win a working holiday.

« Bon appétit ! »

Oxbridge Dictionary – Online Vocabulary Course

Expand your language for the classroom with the new Oxbridge Dictionary online vocabulary course for English teachers.

We reckon that your English will be so bad that you’ll never be able to teach it properly. Which suits us fine because it’s our job to teach it, not yours. And we need to pay for our holidays, while you think you’re about to win a working holiday.

« Bon appétit ! »

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The International Monetary Misconduct Consortium

Our client proudly operates at the glamorous intersection of global finance and absolute nonsense, recruiting talent from London, Geneva, Tokyo, and San Juan to manage the world’s most emotionally unstable money — old money buried, old money hidden, new money spent, and old money mysteriously found behind a sofa. Their elite roles (Banker, Wanker, Ranker, Tanker) form a majestic corporate food chain in which each department pretends to know what the others are doing, while investors nod gravely as if this is all perfectly normal. Together, they promise to “return your investments,” though they never specify from where, how, or in what condition, making them the ideal vehicle for any global titan seeking both financial growth and a thrilling sense of existential uncertainty.

Banker

The Banker oversees our prestigious London operations, specialising in the delicate art of managing Old Money that has been ceremonially buried by previous generations and must now be exhumed with both financial expertise and emotional detachment. Responsibilities include whispering reassurance to nervous assets, navigating aristocratic family feuds, and pretending that the vault‑to‑grave pipeline is a perfectly normal part of modern wealth management. Candidates should demonstrate strong analytical skills, a tolerance for dust, and the ability to maintain a straight face while discussing “heritage liquidity events.”

London

Old Money Buried

Skanker

The Skanker oversees our Geneva operations, where the primary responsibility is to ensure that All Money remains impeccably hidden — not misplaced, not lost, but strategically concealed in a manner that suggests both sophistication and mild criminality. Daily duties include relocating assets to increasingly implausible locations, maintaining a polite Swiss silence when asked direct questions, and reassuring investors that “opacity is a form of transparency if you squint.” Candidates should excel at discretion, misdirection, and the ability to vanish funds with the elegance of a stage magician who also owns a private bank.

Geneva

All Money Hidden

Ranker

The Ranker leads our Tokyo division, heroically overseeing the lifecycle of New Money that arrives full of promise and promptly evaporates into cutting‑edge gadgets, neon‑lit experiences, and investment strategies best described as “vibes‑based.” Core responsibilities include ranking expenditures from “strategic splurge” to “catastrophic impulse,” advising clients who believe every purchase is a cultural necessity, and maintaining composure while explaining that ROI does not stand for “Ramen‑Oriented Investment.” Candidates should possess strong analytical skills, a love of fast‑moving capital, and the ability to justify spending sprees as visionary financial behaviour.

Tokyo

New Money Spent

Tanker

The Tanker commands our San Juan operations, specialising in the miraculous recovery of Old Money that has reappeared in drawers, glove compartments, abandoned beach houses, and occasionally inside coconuts. Responsibilities include verifying that the rediscovered funds are real, convincing investors that “found money” counts as a strategic asset class, and transporting these resurrected riches with the solemnity of a financial archaeologist. Candidates should excel at logistics, treasure‑adjacent problem‑solving, and maintaining composure when explaining that the organisation’s strongest revenue stream is, quite literally, money someone forgot they had.

San Juan

Old Money Found

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